oricus (oricus) wrote,

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An Era has Ended

An era has ended after four and half years. Although, I felt it peak in year one, it rode a long successful tenure finally culminating in year four. What exactly does this bode for me in the future? I am not exactly sure. 2009 in my eyes has been a bit of a disappointment with such an emphasis on a significant and profound change within me, nothing ever mounted. That is an understatement, this year, though not as bad as perhaps areas in 2007 and 2008 has been riddled with anxiety and fear. Now with the long lasting post in my life gone, I am not too keen on exactly what will materialize.

Could I analyze what went wrong and what needed to change, I certainly could but it seems too obvious. It's not important or is not worth the time to think about everything that went wrong or even right but happened to be wrong. It is certainly relaxing in some ways to be without, however, we will see how long that lasts. I assume it will be for some time and that is fine, I am in no rush. I am not going anywhere anytime soon, though, I feel my ultimate dream is now too cloudy to ever be realized. I don't even know if I want that dream anymore, it is a sad reality for me. I could harp on my failures in all my areas but those will not change the way I feel.

With some reflection, I now am approaching the five year mark on our family trip to Frippe Island for thanksgiving in 2004. Just thinking back, I was a senior in High School and life was too good perhaps. The times were different, people were different, and I was different. I certainly liked myself better during that time. I had much more confidence and was much happier. It was during a time in my life that I enjoyed more than I realized. Hackisack, Oasis, OTI bowling, friends, and an overwhelming feeling of self-satisfaction. It bothers me more that the time in my life is slowly fading in the distance. I was 18, not 23, and everything was right. In contrast to now where I feel everything never feels right. I hate it, not just the way I feel, but external factors that have changed. In 2004, my dad was President of OTI, now he is some VP of a glass company in Pennsylvania. I am not even sure if we still have our beach house at Frippe or if it was sold. My mother is at home in Mississippi and at least my brother lives with her. Then there is me, who has become more reclusive and used his time in Tuscaloosa to get away from everything. I feel everything is scattered and divided, and I feel that way figuratively.

So, Thanksgiving is approaching and I just don't even want to go back to Columbus. I've grown to loathe that place more and more as the years fly by. I wish we could go back to Frippe and everything would return to the time that I felt was right. But we can't and it will never be the same. With the end of an era, I feel even more lost than I was before. I only hope that I can find whatever was lost in time to begin the next era of my life.
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